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This morning, I had a muddled revalation that resulted with me in tears over, apparently, my hair.  I want a sheitel that looks perfect on me that I love and I want to take the sheitels that I own and burn them.  Burn them till they die.  They either don't fit or need repairs or are the wrong color or any combination of the above and not the cut that I want.  To a woman, this is actually a pretty serious (first world) problem and I ended up crying.
A lot.
Till half my mascara came off.
And I got a headache.
I really just wanted some ice cream.

It wasn't until 20 minutes or so later, walking down the street (wearing one of these masterpieces of future firewood) that I realized that maybe, just maybe, something else was bothering me.

There's way more testosterone in my surroundings than estrogen. And it's starting to get to me.  I am married to a man, I am raising two sons. I am the only woman in my department.  I am one of four women on my floor.  At any given moment, no one in my immediate vicinity thinks on the same wavelength as I do.  Not that I wish to speak ill of the quality of my marriage, but Hubby and I do think in different ways and approach issues from different angles - that's why we're complimentary and we make a good team - but at other times I wish he had a little more...ovaries.

The fact that I spend 40+ hours a week surrounded by men doesn't help matters, but again it's not an situation I care to change.  I'm suited to the work I do and it's a great company, it's just lonely and alienating through no deliberate fault of its own. I've tried to make my own little corner as comfortable for myself as possible - I have a little teapot (short and stout), with super girly pink flowers painted on it and gold trim.  I have a sweater and slippers (my feet swell from sitting all day.  I'm so old).  Softening touches though they may all be, none of them is empathetic.  I can call none of them friends, only collaborators in making my environment more tollerable.

Which is not to say I don't have any female friends, just no time to actually see them or nurture those relationships.  I don't have daytime access to facebook, I can't pop out for lunch, really and by the time I'm home in the evenings and on the weekends, I just want to see my family. Of men.

So, that is one of many reasons I'm praying for another daughter.

I'm not trying to bemoan my lot, just lay it all out and make it make sense.


( 10 comments — Leave a comment )
Dec. 5th, 2011 05:20 am (UTC)
I hope you have another daughter too.
Dec. 5th, 2011 05:38 am (UTC)
I love you. I think of you all the time. Please send me your address when you get a chance.

Dec. 5th, 2011 08:12 am (UTC)
For slightly different reasons, I totally understand. Isolation is hard.
Dec. 5th, 2011 11:14 am (UTC)
I pray you will be blessed with another daughter too.
Dec. 5th, 2011 03:18 pm (UTC)
I had a dream last night that your family came to visit us! You had made your own Cheet-os as a snack for the drive down. <3
Dec. 5th, 2011 05:08 pm (UTC)
I'm lucky - boy/man at home & mostly women at work. It's a good balance. I hope you can find a way to get than balance for yourself!

Oh and this totally made me LOL at my desk!
but at other times I wish he had a little more...ovaries.
Dec. 6th, 2011 06:52 am (UTC)
I want to say stuff like how maybe you could start bringing girly, but frum office appropriate reading to work like Binah, Ami, or print out something from a nail polish blog. Then you could read during lunch or go to the water cooler with it so it mimics girl co worker socialization. Or maybe hide an In Style or Lucky in a file folder. And I can always text you to see if you have on the perfect lip gloss for sparkle and fighting winter dryness without getting sticky icky on your sheitel.

But then I read the end and think I should just daven for you to have a little girl and fill this void of not having someone to share your love for glitter pink jumpers.
Dec. 6th, 2011 03:46 pm (UTC)
I understand how you are feeling, at least bits of it. I have been in similar places in my life, and it is very hard. Are none of the women at work friend material? That would help some, I think. I know that when I was working with only men (it has happened several times in my life) I learned *tons* from them - not only about my job, but about men in general. Like you said, they do approach the world very differently than we do. The more I understand about them, the better off I am, I think.

I, too, will pray for you to have another daughter. She would be a very lucky little girl, indeed.

I have missed your posts. I have been mostly off line for a long time, and I am glad to see you are still here.

Dec. 6th, 2011 11:19 pm (UTC)
{{HUGS}} & go have some ice cream :)
Dec. 10th, 2011 04:24 am (UTC)
Hi Yael,

I know you don't know me, but I stumbled upon your journal a while back.

We share the same love of Disney. I thought you would appreciate the following tumblr account, and maybe it might bring a smile to your face when you're feeling blue:


Have a magical day ;-)
( 10 comments — Leave a comment )