This morning, I had a muddled revalation that resulted with me in tears over, apparently, my hair.  I want a sheitel that looks perfect on me that I love and I want to take the sheitels that I own and burn them.  Burn them till they die.  They either don't fit or need repairs or are the wrong color or any combination of the above and not the cut that I want.  To a woman, this is actually a pretty serious (first world) problem and I ended up crying.
A lot.
Till half my mascara came off.
And I got a headache.
I really just wanted some ice cream.

It wasn't until 20 minutes or so later, walking down the street (wearing one of these masterpieces of future firewood) that I realized that maybe, just maybe, something else was bothering me.

There's way more testosterone in my surroundings than estrogen. And it's starting to get to me.  I am married to a man, I am raising two sons. I am the only woman in my department.  I am one of four women on my floor.  At any given moment, no one in my immediate vicinity thinks on the same wavelength as I do.  Not that I wish to speak ill of the quality of my marriage, but Hubby and I do think in different ways and approach issues from different angles - that's why we're complimentary and we make a good team - but at other times I wish he had a little more...ovaries.

The fact that I spend 40+ hours a week surrounded by men doesn't help matters, but again it's not an situation I care to change.  I'm suited to the work I do and it's a great company, it's just lonely and alienating through no deliberate fault of its own. I've tried to make my own little corner as comfortable for myself as possible - I have a little teapot (short and stout), with super girly pink flowers painted on it and gold trim.  I have a sweater and slippers (my feet swell from sitting all day.  I'm so old).  Softening touches though they may all be, none of them is empathetic.  I can call none of them friends, only collaborators in making my environment more tollerable.

Which is not to say I don't have any female friends, just no time to actually see them or nurture those relationships.  I don't have daytime access to facebook, I can't pop out for lunch, really and by the time I'm home in the evenings and on the weekends, I just want to see my family. Of men.

So, that is one of many reasons I'm praying for another daughter.

I'm not trying to bemoan my lot, just lay it all out and make it make sense.